Who Are You if You Don’t Have Your Job?

It might just have been a total coincident that many of those who came to coaching were seeking for a ‘true meaning’ of life, as if none of the meanings a human life has granted them was worthy enough. One young lady was in utterly despair, who claimed that the ‘the guilt of emptiness’ made her want to hide herself and did not dare to look straight into anyone’s eyes. Another gentleman in his early twenties had listed all the social and environmental crises he could think of but could not decide which one to set his heart on. In the journey of coaching them, I could not help wondering why it has become so strenuous for bright young things today to find meanings in their lives?

An inspiration came from a kitchen chat with my mum when I asked how she set life goals at a young age. Born just a few years after the establishment of the People’s Republic of China in the 1950’s and grew up through the Culture Revolution, she said that at that time one did not need to look for meanings as they were given ─ ‘Well, to serve the Country was everyone’s life goal and we knew nothing else back then. Basically, we had no options but to go wherever the Country wanted us to go and serve whatever the Country wanted us to serve….’ Interestingly, what’s different now is the fact that most of us have more options, or ‘freedom’ if you like. For those with more specialized talents or clearer ideas of what to become, having options could be an enabler; however, for those who have not yet ‘found their true passion’, it’s easy to get carried away by the flip board of ‘the top 10 hottest professions of today’. Meanwhile, the mighty Media adds fuel to the fire by bombarding the news with the resourceful rich and famous. Not only did they become successful entrepreneurs, politicians and artists, but they also triumphed as passionate human right activists, celebrated philanthropists, and passionate rocket men… The impact of the socially constructed meanings could be so overpowering that it pulled some of us away from connecting with our roots and from searching in our inner self for answers. 

How can I help those ‘lost souls’? I did not find a straightforward way in until the session with Eric.

Eric started his story with anxiety written all over his face. He is an architect and a partner in a small design firm in Singapore. Hit hard by COVID-19, his firm was on the verge of bankruptcy. He ‘tried everything’ to prevent the business from continuous decline, but ‘failed to turn the tide’ and ‘hated himself for not able to think of anything other way out’. When asked about the future, a glimpse of sadness appeared in his eyes, that he frequently woke up in the middle of the night ‘worrying sick’ about what would become of him if the situation does not get back to where it was. ‘Things (architecture market) were already in decline even before COVID-19, and now it can only get worse and worse’, said him with a slight sense of despair.

From my training as an ontological coach, I understand that at the heart of Anxiety is a negative self-assessment and doubts about one’s ability to deal with the challenges ahead. Sadness, on the other hand, hinted the assessment that something was lost and could not be restored. Having these concepts mind, I asked Eric, ‘Besides the business and money, what else are you afraid to lose?’ He thought for a moment and answered, ‘My drive! The architect firm is what keeps me going’. Riding on the realizations, I followed with a question, ‘So who are you if you cannot be an architect as you wished?’ Eric buried his head in his hands, ‘I really don’t know’, he replied with a sigh.

In the following part of the session, we spent some time exploring his passion areas and what gave him meaning in life. The words that he kept coming back to were ‘family’ and ‘friendship’. He confessed that the guilt of had not given much attention to his family and friend lived with him for many years, and he wanted to do better. ‘Can this be a new drive for you?’ I asked. ‘Well, I am committed to do more for my family and friends, but that is too basic and not enough as a life goal!’ he replied. Ah ha! That’s it! Like many of my other young coachees, Eric believed that life goals must be ‘grand’, ‘impactful’, and ‘hip’, that they cannot be the ‘basic needs’ like family, friendship, love, or kindness. What a misguided belief in my view, that locked him in the ivory tower, setting apart from some of life’s most beautiful and profound offerings!

‘True meanings’ root in the most essential pursuits of mankind, emerge in the significant events of everyday life, and get amplified when echoed by many. They grow stronger through life’s ups and downs, get finer with age, and can withstand the test of time.

Relaxing the boundary of what meanings can be, then isn’t life itself a meaningful creation in its very nascent state? For a newborn, to power through a new day is to harvest new feelings and understandings of the world yet strange and curious. For a dying patient, to live another day is to offer more comfort and hope to his loved ones. If we are debating on what is a more superior and significant meaning, then who is more superior and significant to judge? The only trustworthy judge we can count on to say what is more meaningful for us is our ‘heart’, or our ‘soul’ in spiritual term. Consciously or unconsciously, we all ‘know’ what they are. And if you cannot name them, it’s just because you forgot to ‘ask your heart’. That’s why meanings cannot be simply copy-pasted from one person to another, as no two lives are identical, and no two hearts are the same. Otherwise, the world would be either overly boring or overly suppressing.

In Emily Esfahani Smith’s beautiful book ‘The Power of Meaning’, looking through the lens of history and having interviewed people in various fields searching and finding meanings, she found that the common drive of people who found meanings shared was ‘making the world better for others’, in big or small ways, that they ‘focused constantly on how they could make themselves useful to others’ and to ‘help other people feel happier and more whole’. The beauty of these findings is that they are the testimonial that ‘true meanings’ comes from the deepest and purity ocean of our heart, where love, compassion and kindness flourish. That is where we should look, and that is where we will find.

Eric showed up in our last coaching session with more peaceful and joyful moods. To my delight, spending quality time with his family and reconnecting with his friend had not only restored his spirit, it also gave him new angles and ideas for his architecture business that combined the two passions together. In fact, he said that just by showing up in the office in a ‘calmer mood’ and a ‘more forward-looking mindset’, he was able to bring comfort and hope to the team. I congratulated Eric for stepping onto the fine path of finding his true north.

There is no better way of summarizing my points than the beautiful words from Lord Webber and Simon Lee’s ‘Look with your heart’, with a little twist here of course (hope I have not offended them ;-p):

Meaning is a curious thing

It often comes disguised

Look at meaning the wrong way

It goes un-recognized

So look with your heart

And not with your eyes

A heart understands

A heart never lies

Believe what it feels

And trust what it shows

The heart always knows

 *Pictures come from the internet*