The Lightness of “Doing Nothing”
“Your worth lies more in your presence than your productivity.” – Amanda Blake
Everyone has an addiction. Mine happens to be “busyness”.
Busyness is a cunning one. For over 35 years, it successfully concealed its real identity and thrived in me behind the masks of productivity, ambition, positivity, and sometimes, sense of superiority. I was not aware of its very existence until a few months ago when I left my corporate job and became self-employed. That’s when my world suddenly went “quiet”.
No more early morning team hurdles.
No more late-night calls with Europe HQ.
No more back-to-back business travels.
No more last-minute data crunches for the VP.
Even the water-cooler moaning and gossiping faded out….
Although I know the meetings, the chit-chats, the steps going up and down the elevator are still there, in the fancy office building visible from my apartment, I just don’t hear them anymore. Like having a bell jar, vacuumed the entire world I used to belong to. Now, it’s just me, my laptop, a shiny new Inbox, and an empty calendar. I’d never thought I would miss those hectic office hours, but bizarrely, I do.
At this point you might be wondering whether I have thought this through at all before quitting the job. Well, the truth is I do have aspirational plans and I know why I am here. I am prepared for the “freedom” to do what I wish, but totally unprepared for that “quietness”.
What’s so unbearable about “quietness”?
Well, what image and words come to you mind when hearing “he is a man living a quiet life”? What comes to me is a recluse in a shabby wooden hut, self-closed, self-defeated, forgotten, and does not give a damn of how others see him. That image has no relation to successful or meaningful life.
In my mind, the more successful a person is, the busier he or she should be. I see people who are not busy as not ambitious or not seizing the opportunities in life. Calved by upbringing, justified by experiences, and enhanced by people I have admirations to, I deeply entangled my sense of worth with the level of busyness. When I am busy, I know I am needed. And when I am needed by others, I feel worthy.Fortunately, most of the time, others have been generous with asking for me, and I have always been able to find something to offer. The “flow of being needed” had been a steady stream until the tap dried out suddenly.
The “not busy” created a strong feeling of anxiety and guilt. Anxious about the prospect of my future, having paid a huge opportunity cost of giving up a corporate career that was going well in others’ eyes. Guilty of not maximizing every minute of my “new life” moving things forward. What’s even more unbearable? The stubborn self-doubt and judgment of “I am not good enough because I am not needed so much by others”. All these disturbing thoughts, like noises tumbling in my head, tearing the sense of freedom into pieces and breaking the quietness in unwelcoming ways.
Dr William Bridges, in his brilliant book Managing Transitions – Making the Most of Change, illustrated the process of change into three phases: the Ending, the Neutral Zone, and the New Beginning. He said, when change is declared, people tend to jump straight into the new beginning without properly attending to the ending of the past or the chaos in the middle. And sometimes, the boundaries between these phases are not clean-cut, as one might still be coping with some parts of the ending while embracing the new beginning. The distinctions Bridges brought is enlightening, and I can totally see and feel how the three phases are mixed and entangled in me at this very present moment.
The Ending:
My old identity as a mature functional expert and team leader in a highly regarded global company still craves for attention and wants to take a stand when my new identity as a leadership coach is still in its infancy. Simply ignoring or suppressing the old identity does not make it go away, and I need to respect its voice and respond to its messages.
The New Beginning:
Becoming a credible and trustworthy leadership coach is like becoming a craftsman. It takes conviction, persistence, and a lot of practices. It’s a long march to the top. I need to be prepared for the epic journey while not forgetting to pause often and look back to appreciate the view along the way.
The Neutral Zone:
Before being “needed” by many at the peak of the climb, I need a temporary way of getting satisfaction and meaning from the “quietness”. In other words, I need to unlearn my beliefs associated with busyness and learn to appreciate what quietness is to offer.
A few weeks ago, after relaxed my nerve and rejuvenated my spirit from a sea trip, I started to fill the empty schedule with things that I love doing and have never had time to do in the old corporate life – reading philosophical masterpieces, journaling and blogging about life changes and meaning, deepening mindfulness practices, connecting with like-minded coaches and having deep conversations. And most enjoyably, spending more time with the little one just playing without any purpose.
I learned to slow down and take my time in every activity I committed to. No longer dashing from A to B or from beginning to finish, I started to enjoy the beauty of indulging thoughts while reading a book, losing in a conversation and forgetting about time, awing at the mesmerizing sunrise when there is nothing to rush for. The practices of taking time and being present with the constructs of life is like a daily nutrient boost that sharpened my thoughts, heightened my sensations, and enhanced my memory. The knowledge, insights, and experience gathered now are no longer fleeting passengers, but have deeper connections with the whole of me in more holistic ways.
Almost immediately, my anxiety and guilt quieted down, and I am delighted by the new discovery that I don’t need others to give me meaning and sense of worth – I can create that for me, from within. The other pleasant surprise came along is how learning, connecting and self-caring grew organically into newly found friendships, clients, partnerships, and ideas. What’s even more rewarding? I noticed a positive change in my presence when coaching – a deepened, more grounded, more open and accepting presence. I realized that only when accepting and caring myself, I can accept and care my clients. That is an ongoing practice on its own.
About the author: Dannie Zhuang is an executive coach and leadership development consultant at Linkage Asia, a certified coach by the International Coach Federation, and spent her earlier career in wide-ranging international positions in P&G and Unilever. Growing up in China, she lived and worked in UK, Switzerland, and now residing in Singapore with her husband and a little one.
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