The Imaginary Child

-

 


Every time after listening to other experienced parents sharing parenthood tips, ‘thunderstorms’ gather in my head, rolling up all sorts of unwanted feelings like guilt, self-doubt and self-criticism. I would suddenly feel that on the matter of Heng Heng’s upbringing, my standards are not high enough and my plans are too short-sighted, that there are so much more I could do but not sure where to start….

How to break free from the anxiety caused by our own "emotional trap" and face this life-long role as a parent with more calmness and confidence? The first antidote to anxiety I prescription to myself is called making a clear definition of what a good enough mum is for me.

It is not about listing all the relatable standards, but rather about knowing what is more important for your and setting priorities.

It is not about being precise and detailed, but rather about distilling the values and principles that matter the most to you. The executions can be improved through trial and error.

It is also not necessary to follow masters or social conventions. In fact, deep down you know what is best for your kid, and the definition is nothing more than a refined expression of your conscious and intuition.

So where to start? I believe that every mother has imaginations of what the child will be like when he grows up. There tend to be several recurring scenes, expressions, and fragments, implying the expectations of what happiness of your child can manifest into.

The reoccurring scene of my imaginary grown-up Heng Heng is an energetic and inquisitive young man, backpacking through snow-capped mountains and crystal clear lakes, aweing at the magnificence of nature.

Gazing at this familiar and strange happy young face, I dotted down the following:

Do my very best to help him becoming:

  • An independent thinker, like the Scandinavians - not bounded by established conventions or trendy flings, think deep and dare to hold on
  • A passionate lover of everything life offers, like the Italians – sensitive to the beauty of small details, enjoy participating in the creation of beauty, and never waste a chance to celebrate life as it is
  • A generous man with a big heart, like the sages in ancient and modern times – do not distant oneself from the underserved, and recognize the value of every being in life

Knowing what is and what is not important helps with the big and small decisions we make in daily life. A small one like whether to hire a maid, and I insist that it would only be the last resort. Because I want Heng Heng to see what life is made of and to participate proactively. It means that he needs to see how dad enjoys baking and how mum likes to organize. If spending half an hour a day can deepen his understanding of life, it is certainly more cost-effective than spending money to buy laziness and dependence?

A bigger question goes up to deciding which city to live in and what school to go to. I hope that he will grow up in a diverse environment and be exposed to different cultural and backgrounds. Not schools promoting exclusion, but places where every kid is given a fair chance to excel.

So what counts as ‘doing my best’? Be the best version of myself and try to set good examples. Take him on little adventures, and learn with him. Most importantly, enjoy the ride, and cherish every moment shared together!

Dear new mums and dads, what is a good enough parent for you?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Antidote to Lingering Tiredness

-
Image
Sometimes, life can feel tiring.  Like waking up in the morning but reluctant to face the day.  Like an invisible haze covering the sky, persisting to linger.   Tiredness can come from all sorts of spaces.  Sometimes it is the fatigue from being perpetually busy and stressed.  Sometimes it is the heaviness from shouldering momentous responsibilities and risks. Sometimes it is a suppressed feeling from not being understood. Or sometimes it is the anxiety from worrying about the uncertain future.  As if the older we are, the more social responsibilities we have, and the higher standards we hold, the more frequent, violent, and long-lasting "tiredness monsoons” hit us.   Many people don’t know that the most lethal are usually not those direct causes ---- back-to-back meetings, performance targets, change management ---- do not impose enough threats to capable and driven leaders.  What makes us “fall” is often the way we treat ourselves when encounter...
Read more

The Quest Beyond AI

-
Image
Recently, the fierce “game of throne” in the AI world has shaken the peace and harmony on the human planet, putting many into sleepless nights.   A couple days ago, an IT director in a financial firm I coached sent me an unexpected message past mid night, moaning about rumors of layoffs in his department, worrying that his skills would soon lose value, and not knowing what to do... I replied to him, "On the contrary, I want to congratulate you for getting closer to thinking about the most important question in life!" The More Important Question Our mind, shaped by education and upbringing, has the habit of deducing career orientation and life goals from the abilities and skills we have. As we often hear people say, “I am good at math so I should work in finance.” This kind of thinking inertia has its limitations. On the one hand, individual differences are not being considered. Everyone has their own sets of beliefs, values and mission in life. Should people with common skill...
Read more

Stop Asking What’s Next, Find Your WHY

-
Image
“Working hard for something we do not care about is called stress, working hard for something we love is called passion.”   — Start With WHY by Simon Sinek When The "WHAT Search" No Longer Helps   Have you ever had a strange time when nothing on the job search APP makes your heart pumping anymore? Not even the most reputable company names or the biggest job titles? That bewildering feeling happened to me a few years ago. For weeks, I stared blandly at the pages and pages of job descriptions on Linkedin and felt frustrated with why none of them excited me even just a little. A crisis forged inside. I couldn’t stop asking what was wrong with me? Have I lost the drive to move up in career? Or was I being too arrogant? But none of the explanations made any sense back then…    Now looking back at that stance, I can see what the problem was — the old story of “why I do what I do”, which was a blend of the stories told by my ex-employer and professionals liked me, suddenly ...
Read more